You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
🤣could you imagine
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Who’s your best friend?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.