Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
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[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
They got a point!
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.