The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
you will never know the true number of layers
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Why is no one talking about this?!