me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Noah
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*