Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
courtroom exchange of the day
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.