TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
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Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.