An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
That lamp looks PISSED.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”