I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Bill is short for Billiam
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD