I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
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“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Sign of the day..
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.