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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.