Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
another case of gang violins
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
it’s finally my moment to shine
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.