[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way