me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*