Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
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Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Where is your GOD now????
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed