I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
🤭😂
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?