Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
What personal space?
My dog
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”