Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”