Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Shoo shoo! 😂
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
figuring out my emotional availability:
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’