Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Just how popey was the pope today?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft