Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
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(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Probably my best painting.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁