Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one