my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
new career option?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.