Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Customize Your Wedding.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?