Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.