I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
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Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
sir, my p芒t茅 if you please
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it鈥檚 really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 馃厛馃劸馃厔 馃劮馃劥馃劙馃厑馃劤 馃劮馃劯馃劶.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.