“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
You Might Also Like
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Yep.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
sigh
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
#NoRestForTheWicked
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ