I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
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You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…