Ok who’s got my black socks?
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my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall