[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
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If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
2022 will be better than 2021
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
🤣
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference