If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Ha
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.