hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
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Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma