5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away