What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume