I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
You Might Also Like
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
checking out some reviews of my local library
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Kermit goes Blue.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?