Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye