“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.