If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
You Might Also Like
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
If you’re testing me, we failed.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?