Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.