A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*me flirting
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*orders delivery*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.