Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
You Might Also Like
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Banking tips
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night