Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
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The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I put the h in mysterious.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..