Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.