Match dot com, but for socks.
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Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.