You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves