How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.