I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
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I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
what
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
all that yoga finally paid off
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Yes
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.