I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
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Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*