ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.