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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Cake safety first. Always.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Weirdly Wednesday.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.