Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
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Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…